Here's The Deal

Our friends Lynne and Maurie are visiting Quartzsite, Arizona, from northern California for a month. They park their motor home on our lot with two wonderful dogs that never tire of chasing tennis balls. We met them last year for the first time and discovered that they were a delightful couple and looked forward to seeing them again this year. It’s not often you meet people who are intelligent, funny, and a bit quirky all at the same time in the right proportions.

Last year, Lynne ordered my book, Evil in the Mirror, after they had returned to California. Her report back to us was that she liked it very much. She then gave the book to Maurie, who isn't usually much of a reader, but he proceeded to read it too. Lynne again reported back to us that Maurie also liked the book. Well, when they arrived for their month-long visit this year, Maurie started praising the book beyond my wildest expectations. It was obvious from our conversations that they both had read the book and retained its contents. They remembered things I had forgotten!

Here’s the deal; as an author there is nothing better than praise and accolades concerning your work. It’s the fuel that keeps you writing when insecurity and doubt take the steam out of your sails. Praise coming from people like Lynne and Maurie only confirms to me that my passion for writing is not wasted or misguided. They both can hardly wait for the sequel, Day Stalker. I was hoping to have a copy for them, but I am still waiting for delivery. That’s OK though; I am sure when we come back here the end of the month we will have the book in hand.

Did I mention we have to go back home today? Damn, about the time things get really fun in Quartzsite, we have to go home. Oh, well, no worries; we will be back for a week soon and I will get to sign another book for our friends Lynne and Maurie. Life is good….

Write on,

Mittster

Old is Gold

Yesterday, as I was walking among other retired folks in Quartzsite, Arizona, looking at the many items for sale at vendors’ tents, I spied a young couple, surely in their forties, maybe even younger, shopping. I instantly raised the alarm and all of the old farts within earshot looked in the direction of the young couple.

At first there were only murmurs. What the hell are they doing here? This cannot be tolerated! Then one voice rang out loud and clear, “Get a rope!” That was it; the young couple bolted and ran toward the parking lot.

They easily reached their motor home ahead of us and locked themselves inside. As we surrounded the motor home, someone yelled, “Let’s tip it over!” The scene had turned really ugly. As the young couple drove slowly out of the lot, trying not to run over anyone, the cries of pain from pulled backs, knees, groins and shoulders could be heard throughout the land, as most of us lay squirming in the dirt after our futile attack.

The ones still standing threw rocks at the departing motor home, but because they were unable to lift large rocks, the small stones just bounced off doing little harm. I could hear laughter coming from the young couple. The bastards were laughing at us! “He who laughs first will surely not laugh last. Let’s get ‘em,” I yelled to the three still standing.

We rushed slowly to our quads, mounted, and then raced off in the direction of the retreating motor home. The young couple turned right on highway 95 and headed for Yuma with the four of us right on their tail. It was then I realized I had to pee. Damn, I said to myself as I pulled off the road. The rest followed me; it seemed we all had to pee.

As we huddled around a mesquite tree peeing and cussing out the young couple’s motor home, which was disappearing beyond the horizon, an Arizona Highway Patrol car skidded to a stop, the officer got out and ordered us to stop peeing. It was obvious he wasn’t an old fart or he would have known we couldn’t stop until completion!

I called my wife from the Justice of the Peace office after I had paid the fine for indecent exposure and told her I would be home soon. She said, “How was the shopping, dear?” I answered, “Fine, darling, same old, same old.”

Write on,

Mittster

A Sign of the Times

Is it just I, or is our great nation learning to live negative and fearful lifestyles? Even during the darkest hours of WWII, the United States of America was positive, optimistic and proud. What happened to the power of positive thinking and living? What happened to the ability of being grateful for what we have today instead of worrying about what we might lose tomorrow? How many of us are living in fear, waiting for some great catalyst to wipe us off the face of the earth, while, instead, we should be living each minute of every day in joy and celebration that we are alive with a roof over our head and food on the table?

I know it’s easy to blame the negative news reports we are bombarded with daily. It’s even easier to blame all the crap we read and see on the Internet. The world is doomed December 2012. The Mayans predicted it; therefore it is truth. Since when did we start believing in cultures that sacrificed men, women and children to a multitude of gods who were carved from stone? So the Mayans ended their calendar cycle in 2012; I ended mine when I reached the age of fifty, but here I am still alive and grateful.

I remember being taught to think of the future and not live in the present. Well, I have news for you…today is really all we have, so you better live it to the fullest. I plan on celebrating my life and times with joy and happiness, while staying positive no matter what the news. Even in the worst of times, life is precious and unique. I can see, hear, smell and feel the wondrous world around me, but best of all, I can imagine and dream of worlds beyond the senses.

Let us remember that the universe we live in is all about change and that we humans might not be included in that change. That’s where faith comes into play. My faith enables me to know that when I leave this beautiful blue planet, I will go on in the spirit of Devine Love. That fact is the strength behind my positive attitude. But it matters not where your positive attitude comes from, as long as you have one. Without it, you are surely going to be living in a dark, fearful and scary place.

I say it’s time to stand up, dust yourself off, and join me in being a positive and loving person. How can you recognize the positive people? We are the ones with the smiles on our faces!

Write on,

Mittster

The Agent Trap

What kind of fool does the writing world take me for anyway? What do you mean, after my second murder mystery, I am still an unknown author? I refuse to be called a newbie writer any more. My name is Mr. Murder Mystery Writer to you!

Read this and learn, you snobbish, jack wagon agents who want money out front to promote me and my books--real agents work on commission. You help me to become successful and then, and only then, will you reap the rewards. Good God, Claude, I always had to work hard for my money, but now-a-days everyone on the Web tries to get paid first and then (maybe) work second. Nice work if you can get it. Well, you’re not getting it from me!

The above is just practice for when I start looking for a book agent. My friend Candace Bowser(Origins Vampire Trilogy) has been looking for an agent for some time and has some real horror stories. She finally found a site online that might be legitimate. Candace is running headfirst like a wild banshee into the dark world of agents trying to find someone who will help promote her fantastic books. I not only wish her well, but look forward to following her charge. If all I find is her dead and bloody ego lying along the dark wayside, I will make a fast retreat back into the light. No sense in both of us getting ripped to shreds.

You would think after all our trials and tribulations, newbie writers like Candace and I would just give up on becoming bestselling authors. Well, think again; we have yet begun to fight. I am working hard on the last book of my trilogy, and Candace has started a new book that will take her talent to a whole new level. I have read an excerpt and it has left me wanting more.

My hat is off to you, Candace, and to all the other fellow authors who just need a tiny crack in the wall at the newbie prison for first time authors. Look out when the wall is breached. Candace and I are coming out first at a dead run to bestselling status and we will take no prisoners!

Write on,

Mittster

Digital Smijital

So my wife has a new fangled cell phone and I am stuck with the Stone Age model. Who cares? Originally, the whole freaking idea of cell phones was to call someone while away from the land line model at the house in the case of an emergency. I don’t think my wife watching soap operas while I am driving qualifies as an emergency. According to her, I now stand corrected!

And while we are at it, what the hell is text messaging all about? I can understand letting your fingers do the walking in the Yellow Pages, but letting your fingers do your talking? That’s like letting your butt do the seeing for God’s sake. Although, my wife has accused me of having butt vision on more than one occasion!

And what about those teeny, tiny letter and number buttons? In the first place, I can’t see them and in the second place my fingers cover three of the little critters at one time. What I can’t believe is that young people sound like little machine guns while texting with their thumbs. I tried texting on my wife’s phone with my thumbs and the noise it admitted sounded like a squealing pig in Deliverance.

One reason my wife wanted the new fangled phone was so she could get on line and Google the answers to things we forget on a daily basis. You know, like actors in a movie or the name of a song. I knew this meant trouble for me. I would blurt out answers not really knowing if they were correct and she would have to just take my word for it. Now she knows when I am talking out of my butt vision!

Oh, here is good one; cell phones are also cameras. Not just still photos, but video to boot. And the kicker is that wifey can now instantly text the pictures to family members who really don’t want to see their dad picking his nose! My whole secret life is now right out in the open for the world to see. Talk about Big Brother; 300 million people in America are all armed with camera phones! A guy can’t even scratch his privates secretly in public anymore.

Let’s not forget the ringtones. I have never heard so many disgusting sounds come out of a small digital box in my whole born days! When I get in a large crowd of people and phones start ringing, I don’t know if I should dance, sing, cry or run. I do like the elk mating call ring tone though. Go figure, my wife says….

She’s just saying,

Mittster

Instant Gratification

The term instant gratification gets caught in my craw big time. Let’s keep this blog in context; I am not referring to the lifestyle of young men on the prowl for women. Although that subject would be fun to write about, I am past the age where I give a crap about young men and women and their sexual problems. I leave this subject to Dr. Phil. I am referring to newbie authors expecting their books to be best sellers without a monumental struggle.

There is no instant anything when it comes to being a new and unknown author. While you are working yourself to death trying to promote your book, understand that you are among millions of other new authors doing the very same thing. Hold on, not all is lost! Og Mandino, author of The Greatest Salesman in the World, wrote that you only need to be one iota above mediocrity to succeed in this world. If life has taught me one thing, it is that the preceding statement has much truth to it.

Let’s start with the premise that you have written a fast paced, interesting and dramatic novel. Not all books are created equal, but if your book is well received by family, friends and strangers you meet at book signings, it is a safe bet you have a winner. Personally, I believe if you took the time to actually research and write a book, you deserve a shot at best selling stardom. The good news is that you can take great pride and consolation in the fact that you wrote it in the first place. The reality of the publishing scene dictates that you will need to promote it for the rest of your natural born life. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and one book does not an author make. Get cracking on the second book right after the first one. You need to build credibility for readers to take notice. After your second book, you will take great pleasure in discovering the first one wasn’t a fluke. I know I did.

About the mediocre thing, how many times in your life have you seen someone get promoted who couldn’t hold a candle to your abilities? The reason that happened was because you had no control over the politics of the promotion. As an author, you are in control of promotions, literally! Take the time to make every word you write be the very best you can produce. In today’s world, if you only use half your brain, you will still be a quarter ahead of everyone else. When you see someone walk into a crowded room and their presence demands notice, you have just witnessed one who is a tad above mediocrity. Emulate that person and you and your books will go far.

Write on,

Mittster

Author's New Year's Resolutions

I don’t like New Year’s resolutions much. Mainly because they seem to be made knowing they will be broken. I think it’s a human nature thing…. But, since everyone and their mother will be making them, I thought I would make a few New Year’s resolutions while admitting, out front, that they will be broken before day’s end, therefore pre-emptying your ability to call me a hypocrite.

Number one: I will not cuss today. This one is a no brainer; I already cussed today when my wife asked me to level the motor home at four a.m.

Number two: I will never lie again. I liked the rap band that played after the ball dropped in New York City last night. Well, number two is shot to hell!

Number three: I will not sneak a peak at a lovely young woman walking by our motor home in Quartzsite. Forget this one; there are no lovely young women in Quartzsite, Arizona.

Number four: I will stop talking to our dogs and parrot as if they were people.

Number five: As of today, I am on a diet. See number two!

Number six: I will never watch another repeat segment of Seinfeld.

Number seven: I will never again let my wife watch The Young and the Restless at five p.m. because she missed it at eleven a.m. due to the fact we only have one Direct TV box in the motor home! Seinfeld comes on at five p.m.

Number eight: I will not double dip in the French onion today.

Number nine: I will not pee next to the saguaro cactus while letting the dogs out at midnight.

Number ten: I will stop hiding the Direct TV remote from my wife at four-fifty-five weekday afternoons if she has missed her eleven a.m. soap.

There you have it, folks. What is the sense of more resolutions? You know they will be broken before the ink dries. I say, live life honestly and to the fullest while laughing at your and other's mistakes. Learn to love yourself enough to live life in moderation and stick around on earth a while. Your enemies will hate you for it.

Happy New Year 2011 to everyone!!

I’m just saying,

Mittster