Frankly, I Don't Give a Damn!

Frankly, traditional publishers, I don't give a damn! If I die not selling another book, you can rest assured that using a POD (Print On Demand) publisher is light years ahead of trying to get a pompous, élite, self-serving, holier than thou, snobbish, dinosaur ass, traditional publisher to even open your manuscript envelope, let alone read it. I have heard that they have huge trash cans for unopened manuscript envelopes and use them to stay warm in the winter, which is impossible considering they are reptilian.

I have lost count of the horror stories concerning newbie writers being treated like sub humans at the hands of traditional publishers. Worse yet, if you were one of the very fortunate writers able to get signed by one of these publishing houses, your status went from subhuman to slave. Forget keeping the content of your novel, it will be tweaked into oblivion. Not to worry though; the odds of getting published are worse than winning the lottery!

Did I send my manuscript to some traditional publishers? Yes. But, after wasting about fifty bucks on postage, I decided it would be cheaper in the long run to hire a POD publisher. After much research and a little luck, I found the perfect publisher, Wheatmark, Inc.

Here is the gist of an e-mail I received today from Wheatmark:

“We received your Proof Approval Form and have released your files to the printer. You will receive your Author Sample Copies in about a week from today.”

In other words, my sequel murder mystery, Day Stalker, has gone to press!

That’s what I’m talking about…. While some newbie authors are waiting for word on manuscripts that will never come, I just had my second novel published. I am already working on the third novel, The Phoenix Code, anticipating finishing the trilogy in May.

What are you waiting for? Get your books started; a great adventure waits!

Write on,

Mittster

Free Book Writing Course

I really don't like the idiot's guide to this, that or the other thing. Not because it is demeaning and politically incorrect, but rather because it's too far to the left to describe me. Dolt fits me rather nicely. Although, I do have some pride; it's Mr. Dolt to you!

Since today's blog is a book-writing course, I will get on with it.

A. Screw what anyone has ever told you about writing. You can write and be a dolt at the same time.

B. If I can write a novel, even Alfred E. Newman can write one.

C. Author newbies can't make any money writing. This is true, but in today's economy, you can't make any money anyway. At least you can be creative while eating peanut butter and jelly sammies.

D. There are no conventional publishers that will take on your book. This is also true, but you can sell gold jewelry and hire a POD (Publish on Demand) publisher.

E. If you are passionate about your desire to write a book, the book will magically appear on Amazon.com. This is false, but if you work half as hard writing your book as you did trying to figuring out reasons why you can't write, it will appear on Amazon.com and your pride level will top out in the stratosphere.

F. Your book idea will be so good that other people will promote it. False again; you will be promoting your books until you leave the planet. Writing and promoting are your job, but not to worry, both are fun, especially when you sign your first book for your first customer!

Evil in the Mirror

G. How do you actually start writing a book? It's easy; write one word, then two, then a sentence. Sit back and read your first sentence. Write other sentences until you have a paragraph. Sit back and read your first paragraph. Keep writing until you have a chapter. Once you have a chapter, sit back and read it. If it excites you no end, keep writing. If you fall asleep, it's all over but the crying. You have just discovered you have no passion and you need to try finger painting. Don't be too worried about mistakes. Proofing and editing can be done by others. If you have no friends to help with fine tuning your book, sell some more gold jewelry. You’re going to need the money.

H. There is no way I can figure out how to copyright my book and all the other stuff I see in the pages of other books. Again, not to worry...the POD publisher will handle all the technical stuff. Great, one less reason for you to procrastinate.

I. When you run out of gold jewelry to sell, there is always your first born. Never give up or give in…there are worse ways not to earn a living.

Write on,

Mittster

Insanity vs. Sanity

Have you noticed that “sane people” know everything? Whereas insane people, like me, know very little, especially as we get older. It’s easy for me to say, “The older I get, the less I know.” Why, because I believe it to be true. To the sane people, or “they” as I like to call them, my comments are insane. Actually, some people who read my gibberish blogs are a little more polite and refer to me as an emotionally unstable and sometime humorous author. To the people out there who read my murder mysteries, they find it hard to justify that such a sick, depraved person could have any sense of humor at all.

My wife loves my murder mysteries and has read them many times in her role as proofer and editor. When her mother called after trying to read my first novel “Evil in the Mirror” to warn her daughter of impending doom because she was obviously married to a homicidal maniac, my wife patiently informed her that her son-in-law just has a very active imagination. Thank God mother-in-law didn’t finish the book, let alone read the sequel. The point is that my mother-in-law is sane and because of that, she must now lay awake at nights wondering when I am going to murder her in a most foul and gruesome way! While I in no way compare myself to Stephen King, I sometimes wonder how his family copes living with him. He is not only a writer of very scary books, but he is also a scary looking guy with no sense of humor. Mother-in-law should be afraid of him, not me.

Getting back to sane people who know everything – I listen to our Washington politicians, who are mostly old senile know-it-alls, who should be in nursing homes, profess to know what is the best for just about everything under the sun. Somehow freeloading in Congress for decade after decade makes them geniuses. If that is sanity, I want no part of it. I also listen to radio talk show gurus from the left and right who somehow think being a public speaker makes them centers for world knowledge. Come to think of it, the United Nations professes to be the reservoir for universal wisdom. God help us all!

For the most part, I think all my friends on Twitter and Facebook are insane. Most don’t know it all and have a deep concern for people and all the creatures of the planet. Our beautiful blue planet means more than just a place to see how much money and power one can accumulate; it also represents our spaceship for survival. I like this kind of insanity rather than the sanity of the so-called “know it all” people. It is time for the insane to stand up and be counted. I, for one, am standing now with my right hand held high in the air showing the peace sign with two fingers for the insane of the world, and my left hand even higher in the air showing one finger to all the rest!

Write on,

Mittster

Writer's Cramp

Yes, it’s true…I have writer’s cramp. Dirty words to be sure, but true nonetheless. I am so embarrassed to admit this condition on the Internet, but someone needs to stand up and be counted for the hundreds, if not thousands, of newbie writers out there who have this affliction but are afraid to come out of the closet. I have tried everything I can think of to remedy this situation, including soaking my hands in hot water and Epsom salt and me in vodka, but nothing seems to work.

I have tried therapy, but alas, no one in the group has writer’s cramp anymore. Instead, they have all become alcoholics from vodka – so why should I listen to them.

Besides, even though the group therapist is not hooked on vodka, she is not even a novelist. How could she know the shame of writer’s cramp?

As I look back on my writing experiences and the colossal challenge of writing and publishing two murder mysteries, it becomes apparent that writer’s cramp syndrome did not affect me until after I started trying to market my books on Facebook, Twitter, Websites, Amazon and God only knows how many other Internet sites designed to sell books. One bright side of not being able to use my hands is that I am not pulling what’s left of my hair out due to poor book sales!

While sitting here poking the keys on the keyboard with pencils taped between each claw hand in an effort to get my message of despair out to the handful of readers who might stumble on my blog, it behooves me to remember that readers are easily turned off by sniffling, pathetic, wannabe writers who can’t handle rejection.

Oh, what’s the use – wait a minute, I am receiving an e-mail from an author friend who claims to have cured her writer’s cramp. Can it be true? Is there a chance for me? OMG, I have finally found the cure as suggested by novelist Eri Nelson in her e-mail. She has lost her Internet connection now for over a week and her writer’s cramp has disappeared. Excuse me while I take a hammer to my modem and router. By the time I am able to replace the hardware and reboot my computer, I too shall be cured of writer’s cramps. Glory be and thank you, Eri….

Write on? Not!

Mittster

Fifteen Minutes to Live

What would you do if you only had fifteen minutes to live? We all probably would want to see family and friends one last time; that’s a no brainer. I would want to pet our dogs and talk to our parrot one last time too. Of course, praying for forgiveness for any and all hurt I had caused in my life is also high on the list.

Perhaps calling distant relatives and friends would be in order, although I wouldn’t know what to say. After all I haven’t talked to them in years. What communications we have had have been e-mails. Come to think of it, I haven’t written a letter in a coon’s age. I’m not sure I could actually sit down and handwrite a letter to anyone. It would take forever and snail mail would even take longer. Besides, now I have only eleven minutes to live.

I have never been very good at saying goodbye to people in the first place, and in the second place, not that many people would miss me anyway. You could say that I have remained distant from many acquaintances simply because I didn’t want to go through the pain of them passing, let alone them suffering because of my passing. It’s selfish, I suppose, but true nonetheless. I used to be that way with pets too, but now I have suffered many times when our pets passed on and I understand that “This too shall pass.” Before too long we replace Fido with yet another pet. Our parrot, Pickles, will undoubtedly outlive all of us. I wonder if he will miss me. This, by the way, reminds me I have only seven minutes to live.

How do I tell my wife how much I love her? Words fail me with that task. I guess a simple “I love you” will suffice. The same holds true for my twin brother and children. An “I love you” will have to do. The only problem is that our Internet, cell phone and land line are down due to a power failure. There is no way to contact anyone…especially when you only have two minutes to live.

I have never felt so alone and isolated as right this minute. What did people do before the inventions that enabled instant communications? How did someone communicate their love of live and family with only one minute to live? I guess they just couldn’t. That is truly sad.

Wait a minute – the power just came back on! I hear the TV playing and my computer booting up. Thank you, God, we have Internet again! Just in the nick of time I, might add. I only had thirty seconds before I was going to throw the toaster in the bathtub full of water and jump in. Life is not worth living without Internet!

I’m just saying,

Mittster

My Favorite Addiction

According to a quiz, I am only 19% addicted to Facebook. I thought for sure the score would be higher; I'm a little disappointed. After deactivating my account for a total of three days so I could catch up on work, I found that during the process of writing my new murder mystery, The Phoenix Code, I would start thinking about all the wonderful friends and family I used to be in contact with on Facebook and lose my train of thought concerning the book. Crap, I was better off when I was checking out all the comments twice a day on Facebook. At least then, while I was working on my book, it was possible to concentrate.

Just to be sure I wasn't addicted, I found and took the test. OK, I'm only a little addicted. It's not like when I used to drink and could not stop at just one. This is different; I only need a Facebook fix twice a day, seven days a week. Holy cow, if that were booze, I would be totally whacked most of the time!

Well, I'm not quitting Facebook. I gave up my addictive behavior fifteen years ago when I got married. I need to have at least one addiction and Facebook will do nicely, thank you very much.

I'm just saying,

Mittster

They Said It Couldn’t Be Done

You may ask who “they” are. They are all the people who think life is a gambit to be run at full speed and no matter who gets in the way you run them down like rabid dogs so you can be first to the finish line. In other words, he or she who finishes first with the most stuff wins the game of life. First of all life is not a game, nor is it a finish “first or suck” scenario.

I had a shop teacher in junior high school who said my identical twin brother and I wouldn’t amount to a hill of beans. He also said in a condescending, derogatory way, “It takes all kinds to make a world!” I doubt you are still alive, Mr. Adams, but you sucked as a teacher and human being. Perhaps I will luck out and you are still alive and reading this blog. That would give me great pleasure. In a way you were right though; it does take all kinds of people to make a world. Thank God, because if we were all like you, the world would be a miserable place to live!

I don’t know about teachers in the classrooms now-a-days, but when I was going to school (right after the wagon-train era) teachers expected everyone to be a certain way in looks and behavior. We (my brother and I) were not made from the same mold as most teachers would expect. The teachers treated us differently than the rest of the class. We were considered so different that our classification bordered on idiot status.

We both managed to graduate high school and followed in our father’s footsteps to the construction industry. It was a good thing actually. PhDs were pumping gas in the early ‘60s while we were making so much money we couldn’t spend it all. While we both had successful careers in construction, our real success was learning that life is a learning experience and it should teach us to love all creation and that includes our fellowman. The greatest lesson is that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

With that being said, I forgive you, Mr. Adams. After all, you were a product of your times just as I am in my time. I am thankful for my life and the diversity in people I interact with daily. Some I laugh with, others I laugh at, but always with respect for feelings and sensitivities. “Life is truly a box of chocolates; you just never know what you are going to find in the wrapper.”

I’m just saying,

Mittster

Natural Writing Talent

I really don't like the idiot's guide to this, that or the other thing. Not because it is demeaning and politically incorrect, but rather because it's too far to the left to describe me. Dolt fits me rather nicely. Although, I do have some pride; it's Mr. Dolt to you! Stay away from self-help books; they only help the pocket book of the authors. Your best bet is Google and the public library. Both are free, which is a good thing.

Since today's blog is about writing a novel, I will get on with it.

1. Screw what anyone has ever told you about writing. You can write and be a dolt at the same time. Most readers in the world are at the ninth grade level. This means your book does not need a genius writing it and in fact, less education can mean a great novel written from the heart and not the mind.

2. If I can write a novel, even Alfred E. Newman can write one.

3. Author newbies can't make any money writing. This is true, but in today's economy, you can't make any money anyway. At least you can be creative while eating peanut butter and jelly sammies.

4. There are no conventional publishers that will take on your book. This is also true, but you can sell gold jewelry and hire a POD (Publish on Demand) publisher. I personally recommend Wheatmark, Inc.

5. If you are passionate about your desire to write a book, the book will magically appear on Amazon.com. This is false, but if you work half as hard writing your book as you did trying to figuring out reasons why you can't write, it will appear on Amazon.com and your pride level will top out in the stratosphere.

6. Your book idea will be so good that other people will promote it. False again; you will be promoting your books until you leave the planet. Writing and promoting are your job, but not to worry, both are fun, especially when you sign your first book for your first customer!

7. How do you actually start writing a book? It's easy; write one word, then two, then a sentence. Sit back and read your first sentence. Write other sentences until you have a paragraph. Sit back and read your first paragraph. Keep writing until you have a chapter. Once you have a chapter, sit back and read it. If it excites you no end, keep writing. If you fall asleep, it's all over but the crying. You have just discovered you have no passion and you need to try finger painting. Don't be too worried about mistakes. Proofing and editing can be done by others. If you have no friends to help with fine tuning your book, sell some more gold jewelry. You’re going to need the money.

8. There is no way I can figure out how to copyright my book and all the other stuff I see in the pages of other books. Again, not to worry...the POD publisher will handle all the technical stuff. Great, one less reason for you to procrastinate; now get cracking writing your book!

9. When you run out of gold jewelry to sell, there is always your first born. Never give up or give in – there are worse ways not to earn a living.

10. Writing can be addictive; don't start unless you really like the high!

Write on,

Mittster

Newbie Authors

I have some newbie author friends out there who are just about to jump off a bridge because they can’t make a living as an author. They know their work is not only good, but brilliant, yet they still can’t sell enough books to even come close to recouping their investment of time, money, sweat and tears.

Unless you are an author, you can never truly appreciate the work it takes to write a novel. It takes months of research, proofing, editing, more and more proofing and editing, and that’s not the half of it. Creativity takes energy and sometimes the energy just isn’t there. That is called writer’s block and even though it isn’t permanent, the delay causes depression.

That is when an author really has to prove his or her salt. They have to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with writing yet another chapter – then another and so on until the rough draft is finally finished.

You might ask yourself why someone would go to all that trouble and then have to face the fact that it’s a one in a billion chance that the book will become popular, let alone a “best seller.”

All newbie writers know the odds, yet they try with all their heart and soul to beat the odds. Therein lies the rub – you see, writers are compelled to create stories that take their readers on a journey of discovery, no matter the genre. It’s not like they have a choice. Painters are much the same way; they paint because they must.

When you understand your compulsion, it becomes easier to accept the fact that you were born to write no matter what time in your life you started writing. Grandma Moses was elderly when she started painting and didn’t live long enough to fully understand the impact her work would have on the painting world.

I admire newbie writers because they take that monumental step to fulfill their desire to create. They write the first paragraph and then magic happens; a novel is born. I have come to the conclusion that we newbies share a common bond that will never be broken. So we don’t sell a million books, so what! How many people on the planet have accomplished what we have by writing a novel, let alone two or even more?

Stand tall, my fellow newbies, we can be satisfird with our accomplishments. I am proud to be an author, albeit unknown. I figure when my third murder mystery is completed, I will no longer be a newbie – just an unknown author who still has his integrity.

Write on,

Mittster

Frankly, I Don't Give a Damn!

Frankly, traditional publishers, I don't give a damn! If I die not selling another book, you can rest assured that using a POD (Print On Demand) publisher is light years ahead of trying to get a pompous, élite, self-serving, holier than thou, snobbish, dinosaur ass, traditional publisher to even open your manuscript envelope, let alone read it. I have heard that they have huge trash cans for unopened manuscript envelopes and use them to stay warm in the winter, which is impossible considering they are reptilian.

I have lost count of the horror stories concerning newbie writers being treated like subhumans at the hands of traditional publishers. Worse yet, if you were one of the very fortunate writers able to get signed by one of these publishing houses, your status went from subhuman to slave. Forget keeping the content of your novel. It will be tweaked into oblivion. Not to worry though; the odds of getting published are worse than winning the lottery!

Did I send my manuscript to some traditional publishers? Yes. But, after wasting about fifty bucks on postage, I decided it would be cheaper in the long run to hire a POD publisher. After much research and a little luck, I found the perfect publisher, Wheatmark, Inc.

Here is the gist of an e-mail I received today from Wheatmark:

“We received your Proof Approval Form and have released your files to the printer. You will receive your Author Sample Copies in about a week from today.”

In other words, my sequel murder mystery, Day Stalker, has gone to press!

That’s what I’m talking about…. While some newbie authors are waiting for word on manuscripts that will never come, I just had my second novel published. I am already working on the third novel, The Phoenix Code, anticipating finishing the trilogy next May.

What are you waiting for? Get your book started; a great adventure waits!

Write on,

Mittster

Black Friday Mayhem

Hey, newbie authors, why become a blogger? Because it gives you writing practice and helps you acquire name recognition, that's why. Sometimes it's a challenge to keep my blog current, but in the final analysis, the practice keeps me mentally sharp. In Dr. Steven Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he refers to mental and physical exercise as Sharpening the Saw. Mental and physical exercising go hand in hand with helping you stay sharp and alive. In short, staying healthy gives you an edge and having an edge in this business really means something!

Now what in the hell does this have to do with Black Friday? Well, while sitting in my office early Friday morning, I was wondering what my Saturday blog would be about. It seemed natural to write about Friday's nationwide buying (feeding) frenzy. I didn't want to wait until this morning to write the whole blog, so I got a head start. Basically, I will copy and paste a nasty picture of Black Friday early and then post this blog.

The real purpose of this blog is to try and help newbies seriously think about blogging. The purpose of the blog title and picture is to draw you in. It's just like a grabber to publicize a book. "Oh, look, honey, here is a blog and disgusting picture about Black Friday!" OK, now you are hooked into reading the blog! I'm not sure what it is about the human mind that draws us toward mayhem, but why not use human nature to get people to read your stuff? Why not, indeed....

Trickery, you say. I say, not! I'm just using every tool available in the quest to become a known author. If you want to stop being a newbie author, you better learn to use any and all tools at your disposal too.

I'm just saying,

Mittster