Fee-fi-fo-fum

“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” Holy crap, no wonder I was traumatized as a youngster. The bedtime stories read to me by Grandma would scare the devil himself. I would never sleep with my hands or feet hanging over the bed to become food for the monster living underneath. As a matter of fact – I still won’t sleep with any part of my body hanging over the bed.

What about Little Red Riding Hood? The big, nasty bad wolf eats Grandma, then gets in her clothes, jumps in bed and waits for Little Red Riding Hood to show up with a food basket so she too can become a gourmet dinner. This story surely made young girls feel warm and fuzzy.

Let’s not forget Hansel and Gretel. This little ditty has a wicked witch enticing a young girl and boy into a gingerbread house so she can pop them into a boiling pot of water for a tasty human stew. Swell, now we are into cannibalism. I know I wouldn’t eat gingerbread for many years after this story.

Oh, yes, and The Three Little Pigs come to mind. To this day I am not comfortable in any house unless it is made of brick. No way am I becoming pig meat to a gnarly wolf!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
Is it any wonder spiders scare the crap out of us?

Alice in Wonderland, now this is a wonderful book Mum used to read to us when we were little tykes. The only problem was that it reminded me of our house and life. All the characters Alice met resembled aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and neighbors who visited us. What a nutty family. I bet they too were read fairy tales when they were young.

Last, but not least are the ghost stories our parents used to tell us on Halloween. The one I will never forget not only scarred me emotionally, but physically too. As Mom came to the end of the very scary story, she swung her arms and hands out and down as she screamed, thus scaring the crap out of us and hitting me in the family jewels all in one fell swoop. Not hard to imagine my shriek of horror and pain. While my two brothers and sisters thought it hilarious, I found the vomiting disgusting and demeaning.

I’m just saying,

Mittster

My Favorite Addiction

According to a quiz, I am only 19% addicted to Facebook. I thought for sure the score would be higher; I'm a little disappointed. After deactivating my account for a total of three days so I could catch up on work, I found that during the process of writing my new murder mystery, The Phoenix Code, I would start thinking about all the wonderful friends and family I used to be in contact with on Facebook and lose my train of thought concerning the book. Crap, I was better off when I was checking out all the comments twice a day on Facebook. At least then, while I was working on my book, it was possible to concentrate.

Just to be sure I wasn't addicted, I found and took the test. OK, I'm only a little addicted. It's not like when I used to drink and could not stop at just one. This is different; I only need a Facebook fix twice a day, seven days a week. Holy cow, if that were booze, I would be totally whacked most of the time!

Well, I'm not quitting Facebook. I gave up my addictive behavior fifteen years ago when I got married. I need to have at least one addiction and Facebook will do nicely, thank you very much.

I'm just saying,

Mittster

"Newbie Writing Club"

As I worked with my publisher on my first and second novels, it became more evident that the first time, wanna be writers will have a daunting task ahead. I look back at all the wasted time and money I spent trying to self-publish, print, store, distribute and build Websites for two small self-help books (thinking all along I could do it by myself) only to discover it was the wrong approach.

Let’s face it, I got caught up in the Internet hype…Let me show you how to make millions on the Internet! Beware my friends; it’s really just the start of a bad trip down Internet fantasy land. After two years of trial, error and frustration beyond belief, there are really only three simple answers that spell success. Research, research, and more research! I absolutely recommend starting in the public library unless you are very, very Internet savvy. It’s free, simple and won’t empty your wallet. Everything you can buy on line is free in the library! Yes, it is time consuming, but for the budget minded, a perfect solution. The problem with researching on line is that everything has a price tag unless you know where to look and knowing where to look also takes time and can cost a boatload of bucks and a computer full of viruses.

The big question is; can I self-publish my novel without spending money? The answer is basically, NO! The good news is that you can publish with a moderate budget. If you are thinking about using a POD (print on demand) publisher, research is so very important. I researched for many months looking for that perfect combination and finally found it with Wheatmark, Inc. based in Tucson, Arizona. While they were perfect for me, that does not mean they will be perfect for you. Remember; research, research and more research!

For those of you who are serious about writing that first book and joining the “newbie club,” don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you need help finding your way. The only time I charge for advice is if we are on Skype learning how to actually write that first novel. E-mail conversations are for free advice; sometimes I need help too and I don’t hesitate to ask my author friends for their advice via e-mails.

I can tell you one thing for sure. The excitement of seeing your first book on Amazon.com will blow your mind. In fact, so much so that you will need to sit down. Seeing the second book is even more exciting. I actually needed an attitude adjustment because my already large head turned into the Goodyear blimp! My wife deflated my head quickly by reminding me that now I needed to sell the books. Oh, I forgot about that….

I’m just saying,

Mittster