Senin, 16 Januari 2012

Alien Manifesto

I have known from the very beginning that my identical twin brother and I are not of this world. Our minds are connected and nothing escapes our attention when it comes to knowing what we are thinking even though we might be miles apart.

I am surprised the Feds haven’t rounded up all the identical twins in America and deported us to Egypt. It is obvious we are a threat to National Security. After all, if we (identical twins) united, there is no doubt that we could take over the planet.

OK, here is the skinny. We were originally from the planet Zarg in the constellation of Orion.

Embryos of our species were implanted into Neanderthals 10,000 years ago by robotic starships disguised as apples. Neanderthal women would pick and eat the apples and “walla” identical twins would be born. It didn’t take long for the Neanderthal men to realize eating the apples was a woman thing. It was actually great because it left more meat for the men.

It took hundreds of years for the twins to mate with only twins, thus ridding the population of Neanderthal traits completely. As our species spread over the planet, we eventually settled in Egypt.

The first twin rulers of Egypt

It was there that we learned of our true identity. Our 5000 year history of being the most advanced civilization the world had ever known was cut short because of one flaw in our plan to take over the world. The Mesopotamians started eating apples too. Who could have known that our ancestors seeded too many apple machines and the whole world started eating them. Now there were identical twins everywhere and they had no clue as to their real origins.

My brother and I alone know the truth, and we are about to spread the news via the Internet that will unite the identical twins of the world. What better time to strike than while our government prepares for a general election? They will be so engrossed with trying to win that no one will see us coming. Once we have taken over America, we will use a far superior military to take over the world.

My brother and I will rule the world until our deaths. Only identical twins will rule from that time forward. The new class of rulers will be as follows. Identical twins shall be the chosen ones, while paternal twins will run everyday government functions. Non-twins shall be worker bees and do all the physical chores like changing diapers and raking up leaves.

King Mittster

King Waltster

While we are not tyrants, tomfoolery shall not be tolerated. Remember non-twins, we can squash you like bugs with our superior intellect. Our goal is to govern without greed, dishonesty, lies or deceit. We won’t have to resort to any of the above-mentioned traits that permeated our governments of the past because we will live in the lap of luxury right out front, just like the past rulers of Egypt. We will rise again and rule for thousands of years or until the end of the Mayan calendar, in which case our rule will be short – very short.

For those of you who have read this manifesto up to this point, it proves that you are just as nuts as the nut case who wrote the stupid thing in the first place. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in my craziness. Welcome to the “you have to be crazy to keep from going insane” world of the Mittster!

Write on

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