Sabtu, 01 Januari 2011

Author's New Year's Resolutions

I don’t like New Year’s resolutions much. Mainly because they seem to be made knowing they will be broken. I think it’s a human nature thing…. But, since everyone and their mother will be making them, I thought I would make a few New Year’s resolutions while admitting, out front, that they will be broken before day’s end, therefore pre-emptying your ability to call me a hypocrite.

Number one: I will not cuss today. This one is a no brainer; I already cussed today when my wife asked me to level the motor home at four a.m.

Number two: I will never lie again. I liked the rap band that played after the ball dropped in New York City last night. Well, number two is shot to hell!

Number three: I will not sneak a peak at a lovely young woman walking by our motor home in Quartzsite. Forget this one; there are no lovely young women in Quartzsite, Arizona.

Number four: I will stop talking to our dogs and parrot as if they were people.

Number five: As of today, I am on a diet. See number two!

Number six: I will never watch another repeat segment of Seinfeld.

Number seven: I will never again let my wife watch The Young and the Restless at five p.m. because she missed it at eleven a.m. due to the fact we only have one Direct TV box in the motor home! Seinfeld comes on at five p.m.

Number eight: I will not double dip in the French onion today.

Number nine: I will not pee next to the saguaro cactus while letting the dogs out at midnight.

Number ten: I will stop hiding the Direct TV remote from my wife at four-fifty-five weekday afternoons if she has missed her eleven a.m. soap.

There you have it, folks. What is the sense of more resolutions? You know they will be broken before the ink dries. I say, live life honestly and to the fullest while laughing at your and other's mistakes. Learn to love yourself enough to live life in moderation and stick around on earth a while. Your enemies will hate you for it.

Happy New Year 2011 to everyone!!

I’m just saying,


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